I am not a blog whore, but I still want visitors to my blog

Well you have a blog, you write whatever you think is interesting, you want to share with the world. You want to be known for having something to say, and you want visitors, traffic, groupies, stalkers, crazed loonies gawkin' at your stuff. Well maybe the last bit is just me, but you get what I mean.

You need to do some research, you just opened up your sole on the Internet and want people to read it. You go to searches for "get traffic to my blog" or "Please visit my blog I feel like a lonely loser"

A few of my results on advice to get more traffic to my blog were:
(this is where I did some learning, bare with me)

*Use lists. (my shopping list, my mailing list, my to do list, what list?)
*Be topical... write posts that need to be read right now. (Well yeah, everyone needs to know not to step in pet puke, and they need to know now)
*Learn enough to become the expert in your field. ("OK honey, we need to have more sex and I need to get some fries")
*Break news. (It is all news to me or I just made it up)
*Be timeless... write posts that will be readable in a year. (You will still need to know about pet puke in a year, unless your pet died, in that case I am really sorry)
*Be among the first with a great blog on your topic, then encourage others to blog on the same topic. (I don't get it, anyone like fries as much as I do?)
*Share your expertise generously so people recognize it and depend on you. ( I think I share really well, maybe just a little too much)
*Write short, pithy posts. (like orange juice?)
*Don't write about your cat, your boyfriend or your kids. (well crap, I guess all that is left is sex and fries)
*Write long, definitive posts. (short,long which is it?)
*Write about your kids. (but not your kids you had with your boyfriend that has the cat, write about the other ones)
*Be snarky. Write nearly libelous things about fellow bloggers, daring them to respond (with links back to you) on their blog. (I am trying to avoid hits on my head)
*Include polls, meters and other eye candy. (I could add my man's sexy ass, he is my eye candy)
*Tag your posts. Use del.ico.us. (I get so confused with all these things)
*Coin a term or two. (I have a few but many need to be censored even for the biggest perverts)
*Do email interviews with the well-known. (Cool hey Oprah my email is sexygio@inbox.com)
*Answer your email. (but I don't want an enlarged penis)
*Use photos. Salacious ones are best. (alrighty then)
*Be anonymous. (OK, you don't know who I am)
*Encourage your readers to subscribe by RSS. (Please, pretty please will you please freakin subscribe to my RSS)
*Point to useful but little-known resources. (I have some useless well known resources but I will try to change it)
*Write about stuff that appeals to the majority of current blog readers--like gadgets (Do sex toys count as gadgets)
*Write about Google. (Google this, Google that, I googled out)
*Have relevant ads that are even better than your content. (Honestly, anything is better than my content)
*Run no ads. (not even the relevant ones that was mentioned earlier?)
*Keep tweaking your template to make it include every conceivable bell or whistle. (I seriously think there should be a support group for this)
*Write about blogging. (Well OK then I think I will)
*Digest the good ideas of other people, all day, every day. (Caution some will cause indigestion and gas)
*Post on weekdays, because there are more readers. (That is because everyone is having sex and eating fries on weekends)
*Write about a never-ending parade of different topics so you don't bore your readers. (I have a never-ending list of thoughts that only bore me)
*Post on weekends, because there are fewer new posts. (my head hurts)
*Don't interrupt your writing with a lot of links. (oh links, thought it said drinks there for a minute, scared me..whew)
*Dress your blog (fonts and design) as well as you would dress yourself for a meeting with a stranger. (Any suggestions for finding blog lingerie?)
*Edit yourself. Ruthlessly. (Really no fun in that)
*Don't promote yourself and your business or your books or your projects at the expense of the reader's attention. (Shameless blog whore, trashing yourself out there, smearing your lovely butt all over the blog just to get visitors)Damn
*Be patient. (What shall I do while I am waiting? hmmm sex...sure)
*Give credit to those that inspired, it makes your writing more useful. (Random search found these "how to get traffic to your blog" will tell you where later)
*Write about only one thing, in ever-deepening detail, so you become definitive. (Well there are these potatoes that when cut just right...oh maybe you would rather hear about sex)
*Write in English. (Good because it is the only language I know to write in, and the only one I kinda know how to speak)
*Better, write in Chinese. (This is just to mess me up...right?)
*Write about obscure stuff that appeals to an obsessed minority. (I am working on it)
*Don't be boring. (Who thinks I am boring? Come on speak up)
*Write stuff that people want to read and share. (Sharing is good and fun)

This is where I found this stuff, I not any more smarter than when I began, I still don't know what a trackback is, or a backlink, I still have no clue where the traffic will come from, I don't think it comes from China though.

Sorry if this was not helpful but I had a blast responding the the blog traffic tips anyway.


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2 comments:

  1. More sex and more fries should do it lol

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hope you don't mind, but i copied some of this page for my site. I changed my answers on it though and I did provide a link to this page

    ReplyDelete

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