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Thursday, February 25, 2010

This Goddess has super powers!

Oh yeah, I have some powers, the magical way I turn heads, make them want me. Oh they want me I know they do. Hell I am beautiful, stunning...they want me and I know it.

Well these powers did not come easy, I had to earn them. I will let you in on my secret super power ways, just because I am awesome too.

First get the most amazing smelling shampoo, use Head & Shoulders, it will get rid of that itch, it comes in some amazing scents these days. Make sure too soak those scratch pads off your heels, I think a file will help.
Start at ankle and stand on one foot while shaving up to knee, now behind knee..might as well keep going. Other leg..now pits..do not be tempted to use on entire body....You can use different methods here, pouring hot wax on skin and ripping each hair out by the root is an option, burning creams work sometimes or try all the methods to get entire ape like image under control.

Get rid of the monkey brows, tweezer all the stray hairs on your face, using a mirror and great light. I noticed that natural light is best, I can always see facial hairs that were not seen before in the visor mirror of my car--and I am not plucking them there. Try to shape your eyebrows so they match, if you screw up grab a pencil quick.  Make sure to moisturize your face, make sure it is smooth and glowing, they sell sand blaster type gadgets that take off all the gukky skin cells for you. You could also use sand paper or a scrubbie thing from the kitchen...hey it works on pots right? Now that the exfoliating and moisturizing are done, check your entire face for random hairs again. They seem to pop up whenever and often.
Check mirror..ah what the hell is that...ok cover up! Stay calm. Blend the foundation of your evenly over entire face...still check for weird ass hairs on chin, cheeks and between eyebrows...if too much cover up gets on them they stand out like tentacles.
Brush brows..not sure why but I have one of those thingys for that.
Apply shadow...so both eyes look somewhat similiar.
Mascara...freakin' clumps...tissue resue and your good.
Lip liner..now be sure to check this during the day, if your lipstick has left you and you just have liner left..it ain't pretty. Make sure to reapply lipstick all day long.
Hang upside down shaking hair while blow drying it...body is the key here. Up lift those roots to bring out fullness. Be careful not to do it too long...just saying...be careful!
File nails, stroke on polish..clean polish from cuticles and finger tips and end table.
Run down and put blouse in dryer while running through house in gitch...

Breathe...take a sip of cold coffee

Moisturize random body parts with body butter that you can't remember where you got it from.
Back to mirror for final primping and adjustments, lipstick on teeth..nope, cow lick..can't save it.
Perfume..cheap stuff or good stuff....easy does it.
Hair spray layer, extra powder on face, jewelry, socks...run down and get blouse..still in gitch.

Get dressed...do not touch white blouse to make up on face or will have to start over.



Beautiful, a triumph of goddessness...People looking...yup I have done well..I look awesome..everyone is looking....

Holy Crap!!!!!

Discovered large clump of peanut butter and jam on my ass...I think there is even toast involved. A grimey turdball (affectionate name of child-o-mine) left part of his breakfast on the chair I sat on to put my shoes on before I left. People are staring at my ass alright......

Okay..nevermind..the goddess thing..you are on your own now...sorry!

7 comments:

  1. Do all that or show some cleaveage, that will work.

    Secretia

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  2. Seems like so much work.. after 29 years is it all worth it.. yeah probably.

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  3. Oh doesn't it just figure??? The toast on the ass, yeah...that would happen to me!

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  4. Hell, just lay down and spread'em.

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  5. I have an award for you over on my blog you Beautiful Blogger! Come and get it!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I have an award for you over on my blog you Beautiful Blogger! Come and get it!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Reading stuff like this just makes me glad I am a man...

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