Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

I woke up this morning with that anger; it is just there without analysing– it just sits. Frustration loomed in every thing I did and said today. My mind races with no thoughts that enlighten my mood.

Bouncing back from a happy to angered state, I need to walk. Feeling all my frustration with life in general, I feel the need to figure things out. Where am I headed? What is the mission statement I need to feel? Damn it, the anger takes me in wrong directions of thinking.

I took everyone out of the equation and concentrated on what I wanted to do, where was I headed? What did I need to do?

Inside me is a simple map of life’s enjoyment…the inspiration and charisma I can offer to others.

My walk is cold but it becomes warmer and my mind thinks on the Hawk, that had fallen, the mighty too falls…and then the thoughts of mice and hawks on level ground, the whole thing swims in my head…and it pops into my mind again..he went to church this morning and prayed for me. Tears flood from me, I want to scream and cry in pain. I had lost my faith!!!! I have been searching for it but it has been lost and I did not recognize it. This cannot be explained as I release this from me and start to understand. I take a deep breath and look up to the sky…I stop walking..the hawk…he is flying over my head…he circles several times and goes. No words will ever explain that feeling.

I used to pray all the time, I never felt totally alone, and I always had my faith. But it had a very long time and I found it was hard to say a prayer. But I did and the tears flowed like a river of relief and release. I wont bother even trying to explain how I felt; it is beyond explanation and is sacred to my soul.

Still a ways to go on my walk..I realize I need to move on from here and I feel absolutely strong. I need to say good-bye to some things in my life. As I try to figure out what I could possibly say to my demon…I start to feel anger again, I am walking and thinking of this negative force in my life.

When walking with this anger and realizing I needed to say good-bye to it.

No other thoughts came to me, I just walked home.

#anxiety #SelfCare #Depression #selfawareness #loss

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