Oh yeah, I have some powers, the magical way I turn heads; make them want me.
Oh, they want to be me; I know they do. They are all staring at me now!
Hell, I am beautiful, stunning...
These powers did not come easy; I had to earn them.
I will let you in on the secret of my super, power ways because I am fantastic too.
The first step to awesomeness: Get the most amazing smelling shampoo; use Head & Shoulders, it will get rid of that itch, and it comes in some fantastic scents these days.
Next: Make sure to soak those scratch pads off your heels; I think a file will help.
Then: Start at the ankle and stand on one foot while shaving up to the knee, now behind the knee..might as well keep going. Another leg..now pits.
You can use different methods for more body parts that require Sasquatch rescue. Pouring hot wax on the skin and ripping each hair out by the root is an option; burning creams work sometimes, or try all the methods to get the entire ape-like image under control.
We now move to the monkey brows, but don't stop there, start plucking the brows and move to the entire face. Rip all the stray hairs on your face using a mirror and great light. I noticed that natural light is best; I can always see facial hairs that were not seen before in the visor mirror of my car--and I am not plucking them there.
Try to shape your eyebrows so they match; if you screw up, grab a pencil quick.
Move to the moisturizing of the entire body. Make sure to moisturize your face and make sure it is smooth and glowing; they sell sand blaster-type gadgets that take off all the gukky skin cells for you. You could also use sandpaper or a scrubby thing from the kitchen...hey, it works on pots, right?
Once the exfoliating and moisturizing are done, check your entire face for random hairs. They seem to pop up whenever and often.
Ah what the hell is that?
... OK cover up!
Blend the foundation evenly over the entire face...still check for weird-ass hairs on the chin, cheeks, and between eyebrows...if too much cover-up gets on them, they stand out like tentacles.
Brush brows..not sure why but I have one of those thingys for that.
Apply shadow...so both eyes look somewhat similar.
Mascara...freakin' clumps...tissue rescue, and you're good.
Lip liner..now be sure to check this during the day; if your lipstick has left you and you just have liner left..it ain't pretty. So make sure to reapply lipstick all day long.
Hang upside down, shaking hair while blow drying it...body is the key here. Uplift those roots to bring out the fullness. Be careful not to do it too long...just saying...be careful!
File nails, stroke on polish..clean polish from cuticles, fingertips, and end table.
Put blouse in the dryer while running through the house in gitch...
<------Nothing like the gitch I have on, running through the house.
Gitch - My word for underwear, panties etc.,
Breathe...take a sip of cold coffee, almost there, to awesomeness and power goddess.
Moisturize random body parts with body butter; pause and try to remember where you got a thousand jars of body butter from.
Back to the mirror for final primping and adjustments:
- Lipstick on teeth? nope
- Cow lick? Can't save it.
- Perfume? Cheap stuff or good stuff....easy does it.
- Hair spray layer,
- Extra powder on the face,
- ...run down and get blouse..still in gitch.
Get dressed...do not touch the white blouse to make up on your face, or you will have to start over.
Beautiful, a triumph of goddessness!
People are looking...yup, I have done well..I look awesome..everyone is looking....I am turning heads. Some are even pointing......
Discover a large clump of peanut butter and jam on my ass...I think there is even toast involved. A grimey turdball (affectionate name of child-o-mine) left part of his breakfast on the chair I sat on while putting my shoes on before I went.
People are staring at my ass, alright......
nevermind..the goddess thing...
you are on your own now. Sorry
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