My Décolletage Was Doing Fine Until My Neck Turned Into a Turkey

Another body part I didn't know needed maintenance. Frickin' wonderful.

Have you ever discovered a problem you didn't know you had?

Not a serious problem. Just one of those lovely little surprises that comes with getting older.

Like realizing your eyebrows have started growing their own mustaches or discovering that the skin on your elbows looks suspiciously like something you'd find in the produce department.

Well, allow me to introduce you to your décolletage.

Sounds fancy, doesn't it?

Dé-col-le-tage.

I love saying it. It sounds like something a sophisticated French woman would whisper while sipping champagne in a silk robe.

What is it?

Basically, your neck, shoulders, and upper chest.

You know, that entire area between your chin and your boobs that apparently requires its own skincare department.

Who knew?

I certainly didn't give it much thought.

Until Cindy Crawford got involved.

Cindy Crawford and the Great Dresser Disaster

Years ago, I decided to splurge on Cindy Crawford's Meaningful Beauty skincare collection.

You remember Cindy Crawford.

Gorgeous supermodel.

Beautiful skin.

Apparently aging in an entirely different universe from the rest of us.

Naturally, I thought buying her skincare products might help me look a little more like Cindy.

Or at least like someone who had slept eight hours and remembered to drink water.

The kit came with all sorts of wonderful things.

Face creams. Neck creams. Little jars of hope.

I dutifully applied them, imagining my skin becoming smoother, firmer, and possibly twenty years younger.

Then one of the products leaked onto my dresser.

And ruined the finish.

Not exactly the transformation I was hoping for.

To be fair, I can't blame Cindy. It may have been cheap furniture.

But there I was, trying to preserve my face while apparently destroying my bedroom.

Beauty comes at a price, people.

Sometimes it's the dresser.

Wait. My Chest Is Aging Too?

Here's what I find hilarious.

We spend years worrying about our faces.

Wrinkles around our eyes. Lines around our mouths. That mysterious little crease between our eyebrows that makes us look permanently annoyed.

Meanwhile, everything below our chin is quietly aging without supervision.

Then one day you put on a low-cut shirt, glance in the mirror, and think:

What the hell is happening down there?

Suddenly, there are lines.

Little wrinkles.

Skin that doesn't seem quite as enthusiastic about staying where it belongs.

And apparently, this is perfectly normal.

The skin around our neck and chest changes as we age. Sun exposure, declining collagen, genetics, and years of ordinary living all contribute.

Which makes sense.

But I still feel someone should have mentioned it.

Preferably before I started resembling a slightly wrinkled leather handbag.

And Then Came the Turkey Neck

Now, I thought the whole décolletage discovery was pretty funny.

Fancy name. Fancy creams. Another ridiculous beauty concern to add to the list.

Ha ha.

Until I noticed my neck.

More specifically, what appeared to be the beginning of my transformation into a Thanksgiving turkey.

Excuse me?

When did THAT happen?

I started examining my neck from different angles.

Chin up.

Chin down.

Turn left.

Turn right.

Stretch everything upward and pretend gravity doesn't exist.

For a brief moment, I could convince myself everything looked perfectly fine.

Then I relaxed.

Gobble, gobble.

Oh, for frick's sake.

I've spent years worrying about my thighs, stomach, boobs, and the occasional rogue chin hair.

Now my neck wants attention?

How many body parts am I supposed to maintain?

I only have so much time in a day.

And frankly, I'd rather spend some of it eating French fries.

So What Are We Supposed to Do About It?

Now, before we all start wrapping scarves around our necks and refusing to look sideways in photographs, there are a few things worth knowing.

And thankfully, they don't all involve expensive creams.

Sunscreen.

Yes, that annoying advice we keep hearing.

But it's important.

Our necks and chests get plenty of sun exposure, especially when we're wearing lower necklines.

Using broad-spectrum SPF 30 or higher can help protect against sun damage and premature skin aging.

Apparently, sunscreen isn't supposed to stop at our jawline.

Another thing I wish someone had told me thirty years ago.

Moisturizer.

You don't necessarily need a separate cream for every square inch of your body.

A gentle moisturizer can help keep skin hydrated and temporarily improve the appearance of fine lines.

Will it lift your neck back to where it was in 1992?

No.

Unfortunately, lotion is not a time machine.

Gentle exfoliation.

Occasional gentle exfoliation may help with rough texture, but the skin on your neck and chest can be sensitive.

Scrubbing the hell out of it isn't going to make it younger.

It might just make it angry.

And we already have enough angry things to deal with.

Sleeping positions.

Apparently, the way we sleep can contribute to temporary creases and, over time, some persistent lines.

Sleeping on your back may reduce pressure on your chest and face.

Wonderful.

Except I happen to enjoy sleeping comfortably.

And at this stage of life, a decent night's sleep is already difficult enough without having to lie perfectly still like a corpse.

I'll take my chances.

Gentlemen, You're Not Getting Out of This Either

Before the men start laughing, let me remind you that your necks are aging too.

That's right.

You're not exempt.

Your skin also loses elasticity, develops wrinkles, and experiences sun damage.

So grab some sunscreen and moisturizer.

And while you're at it, stop using the same bar of soap on your face that you use to wash your feet.

I'm not saying all men do this.

But I've seen things.

My Neck and I Are Working Through Some Issues

Here's the thing.

I don't actually hate getting older.

I just wish my body would send me an occasional memo before introducing another surprise.

Something like:

Dear Amber,

We regret to inform you that your neck will begin undergoing structural renovations. Please expect some loosening, wrinkling, and occasional turkey-like characteristics.

Thank you for your understanding.

Management.

At least then I'd be prepared.

Instead, I discover these things while brushing my teeth or trying to take a decent selfie.

And suddenly I'm standing in front of the mirror, pulling my skin upward and wondering whether anyone would notice if I walked around like that permanently.

Probably.

Especially if I needed both hands to hold everything in place.

But seriously, I'm going to take care of my skin.

I'll moisturize, wear sunscreen, and try not to obsess over every little wrinkle.

Because there's a difference between caring for ourselves and declaring war on every sign of aging.

And I have no intention of spending the next twenty years fighting my own neck.

Although I reserve the right to complain about it occasionally.

Besides, if my neck really does turn into a turkey, at least I'll have something interesting to discuss at Thanksgiving.

Gobble, gobble, my friends.

Your Turn!

Have you discovered a new body part that's apparently aging without your permission?

Are you battling turkey neck, crepey chest, mysterious wrinkles, or some other delightful surprise?

And have you ever purchased an expensive beauty product that promised miracles but delivered absolutely nothing?

Other than a ruined dresser?

Tell me in the comments.

I need to know I'm not the only one inspecting my neck like it's a suspicious piece of luggage.

Stay sexy. Even if your neck has other plans. 💋🍟

Omg Check out these patches- at this point it is worth a shot